What is the fear?
Fear is to be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening. Do you remember the feeling you got before you went on your first ever rollercoaster? What about riding the rollercoaster gave us fear? Was it the speed of the coaster? Was it the loops, the way we are only buckled in with a strap, or was it the way your feet would dangle? Or simply was it the unknown because you never thought about doing it.
Before I rode my first rollercoaster my aunt told me I would be fine, but not to look down. Now, I am not really afraid of heights, but something about not being in control of what would happen high up freaked me out. I would be fine, I would live through it. Nothing would happen to me. Being a risk taker has always been something I would consider myself.
Growing up you could find me jumping off cliffs, dirt biking, skiing (racing or jumps), and really anything that could be adventurous. Some were fearful like jumping off a cliff, or ski racing for the first time. Again, that feeling of unknown would fill my body. After a while these activities became fun. As weird as it sounds, I liked fear growing up. The adrenaline high was the best. It allowed me to make memories and usually have a good time. It helped make me who I am today, but there is a fear feeling I 100/10 would not recommend. The infertility fear. This fear is like a nightmare happening. Except you’re not sleeping.
NREM Sleep Stage 1
Stage one is where you are between sleep and wakefulness. This is a quick cycle in the sleep patterns. This stage is just like the first stage in my fertility journey. When I first got married I thought that I would get pregnant right away. In reality it took longer than I thought. I was patiently waiting. Testing for ovulation monthly and every time it was positive thinking that this is it, this is the month. But the pregnancy tests were always negative until… 7 months in. Pretty quick after that first positive I lost the baby. Just like sleeping, right before you fall asleep the twitch wakes you up.
NREM Sleep Stage 2
This is the stage where your brian produces sleep spindles (non-rapid eye movement) and you start to meditate..
Once the Methotrexate was taken and the baby was gone stage two of the sleep cycle started. I was numb to the world but everything also felt so real. Things would be okay, as it only took John and I seven months to conceive for the first time. My body would get back on track and everything would be fine…. Right?
I reached out to others that lost their first pregnancy and I would get answers like “it took me 3 months to conceive again after my loss”, “Your first pregnancy your body goes into a shock, don’t worry you will get back at it quick” or even things like “it will not hurt forever, soon you will get pregnant again and you slowly forget about the early loss”. Little did I know that was not the case for me, and that advice would not help me down the road. During this stage the diagnostic would include being infertile.
NREM Sleep Stage 3
In stage 3 your muscles relax, blood pressure/ breathing slows down, and you get into the deepest sleep.
In this journey of mine, the brain actually did not produce anything and I waited and waited for my body to go back to normal. I was not sure why my body did not want to kick back into gear and get rolling with trying for another baby. Everyone told me it would happen quickly, was there something wrong with me? This cannot be happening to me. I did not want to go to the doctor and get checked out because I was trying to stay positive and leave it up to God. So much would run through my head like comments others would tell me, like “everything happens for a reason”, “God just did not think it was the right time” and “Maybe something was wrong with the baby”.
Eight months rolled by, very slowly, and I finally had enough. SOMETHING had to be wrong. It was time to make the move and get doctors involved. I talked with a wonderful doctor who wanted me to get all my blood work checked… NORMAL. Then she put me on Progesterone to stimulate my body to get back to normal. After that month, my body would continue to be stubborn and not do the right thing. My doctor then predicted PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome). This would prevent me from having a baby, and would contribute to my weight gain. Getting all this new information was a lot to take in and felt never ending.
REM Sleep
In stage 4 the brian becomes most active. The body will become relaxed and immobilized, eye-rapid movement begins, and dreams happen.
The doctor then had me schedule an HSG (Hysterosalpingography) procedure to look at my uterus and fallopian tubes to check for blockages. Results… NORMAL. I was so frustrated with how everything was normal and why I can’t have a healthy pregnancy. The doctor I was seeing was a PA and could not prescribe me CLOMID (a drug to help me ovulate), so referred me to another doctor.
This doctor said she did not want to do this due to my weight, so we waited six months. Trying to lose a certain amount of weight to “be good enough” was stressful as it was. I was unable to lose what she had wanted me to on this last appointment. So I was finally referred to a specialist to get another opinion about what is happening to my body. My answers are still unknown. Sometimes REM sleep does not give you a dream, but instead it gives you nightmares. A nightmare I want to wake up from so bad, and the fear I will never have a baby.
Links
If you want to learn more about sleep cycles I enjoyed reading https://health.clevelandclinic.org/your-complete-guide-to-sleep/.
If you want to learn more about PCOS – https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pcos/symptoms-causes/syc-20353439
If you want to know more about infertility emotions read my blog about guilt – https://ajourneythroughinfertility.com/guilty-as-charged/
