Just Stop- We Don’t Need Advice and What you say can Hurt.

We get it you want to help

Infertility is so hard on all who are involved. It is especially hard for those who are going through it. Never in a million years would I have thought that this would be the journey my life would take me on. Yet here I am, many late nights crying, hurting, and suffering in silence. So far infertility has taken so much, such as self-esteem, courage, a positive mindset, and the chance to enjoy motherhood.

After this last miscarriage my whole world has come down crumbing. The numbness has taken over and really there is not much care left. When I look into the world a lot of the hope I had is gone. I notice many people trying to help, family, friends, and colleagues. As much as help is appreciated and wanted the truth is the advice does not help at all and some things that are sad are hurtful.

Just take my Children… Just Kidding.

This is simply just hurtful. This most recent miscarriage left me hurt and in pain. Truth is, we do not want your children we want our own. Sometimes it is easy to say things because you may think that it may be helping and allowing us to laugh it off. This in fact is not funny and can really cause hurt.

Something was probably wrong with the embryo.

How does this help after someone lost their baby? In fact this makes it so much worse. Thank you for saying something was wrong with my child, or that something is wrong with my body. Not every time that a pregnancy is lost means there was something wrong. A pregnancy loss can happen for many reasons. Saying that is just inaccurate, so keeping things to yourself is for the best at this point.

Just stop trying, have fun. Thats what I did.

Hearing what worked for you is great and all, but trust us when we tell you that we have tried this too. When infertility took over my world I tried everything in the book. Having fun all the time happened. What some people do not understand is that my body does not do what it is suppose to do. Having fun can only do so much but if the body does not go through a cycle how will this help? The female body goes through cycles in order to ovulate. In order for my body to have a cycle, medication is needed to induce a period. My body has not ovulated on its own in 3 years. So having fun will only go so far in our TTC journey.

Just go on vacation and get drunk.

Wouldn’t this be nice if it actually did help? There have been maybe occasions where we have gotten drunk, there has also been many vacations. Yet we continue to remain childless. This is not the answer to help with infertility. Life is not going to give you a baby only because you got drunk on vacation. Sometimes it is best to understand not every body is the same. Just because it happened to you does not mean it will happen for everyone.

Everything happens for a reason. Trust the timing, trust God

Trust me when I say that I have trust in God. I really pray more than people might know. I talk to God many times during the day. I’ve been going to church and bible study to really learn how to pray. I do not just sit there and ask God to give me what I want. I have asked God to help guide me in the right direction. A miscarriage is not something that should happen and telling someone that there has to be a reason is simply just harsh and disrespected.

Just do adoption.

It is not that easy to think about how to have a child. I at all means am not someone who is against adoption and at the end of the day if my body simply cannot have my own children adopting is not out of the picture. This does not mean I do not want to have my own children. I want nothing more than to create a mini version of both my husband and myself. There isn’t anything more than I want than to experience a healthy pregnancy, to be able to post monthly bump updates. I want to experience the excitement of feeling my own child move in my belly.

Adoption is a different type of a magical experience for sure. This is something that I have thought about, so you bringing this up to me is not helping the situation.

Let’s sum this up.

At the end of the day I understand it can be hard to talk to someone who is going through infertility or a pregnancy loss. The truth is that I cannot not speak for everyone who is going through the same but I do not want advice with what I am going through. If you do not know what to say, it is okay to not bring it up. To be honest a simple check in helps a lot. Is there anything you can do? No, you simply cannot bring my baby back, you simply cannot make everything better. But a simple how are you doing, even if I am not doing well shows how you want to be a part of my journey. This shows that you truly care about my well being.

The one thing I will say is trying to give advice will just make it hurt worse. If you have not dealt with infertility, an ectopic pregnancy loss, or a miscarriage I do not want to know what you think.

Links

One of my favorite Podcasts. If you’re wanting to know more information.

My most recent post on Miscarriage

My ectopic Journey

What is Infertility