The Positive One
June 2, 2021, at 8:55 PM I got home from work and thought f*ck it. I took a pregnancy test a couple days before I would start my period. Little did I know that there would be a faint line. Excited, yet not sure since it was very faint, I stayed positive. Both my husband, John, and I wondering if this was too good to be true. No matter what I was still excited and so very hopeful. The next day I flew out to visit my friend in Kentucky. Excited yet bummed out since we wouldn’t be able to go bourbon tasting. During this long weekend I would take a pregnancy test every day and the flame would then start to grow.
Once I came home from my vacation I continued to take pregnancy tests and the lines were getting darker and the digital said Pregnant. It was official….. Just then spotting happened. Immediately a panic attack filled my body. Is this normal? I was not sure what was happening, but I knew I had to stay positive.
The First Doctor
After I started spotting more than I was comfortable with I scheduled a doctors appointment. I went in with my stomach tied in a knot. I was not sure what they would say or do. I went in the room with all the anatomy posters on the white walls. Looking around in a hospital gown holding back emotions telling my baby that they would be okay. I told them that they were safe with me. The doctor came in and talked a little about what was going on. She reassured me that sometimes implantation bleeding starts and it was completely normal. We then did an ultra sound, everything was looking the way it was supposed to. I was sent down for blood work to test HCG (Human chorionic gonadotropin). Later the day I got the results. 29.1 mIU/mL.
The doctor called and said a recheck in a couple days would be necessary since the blood work was very low for being 5 weeks along. June 10th, back in to get blood work, nervous yet hopeful, my baby would be fine. As long as the HCG was rising everything would be fine. 52.3mIU/mL, the doctor said this was great to see a rise, but would need to keep an eye on the levels. HCG would have to be tested every two days. John and I decided to relax and go to the lake with friends, hoping to keep my mind off everything. Of course, my mind could not stop thinking about what will happen. June 15th, back for blood work, 88.6mIU/mL, still going up just not at the rate we want. What was going on? What is happening to my baby?
On to the Next
The phone rang while I was at work, it was Kaiser with more news. MISCARRIAGE, I would have to go back again to get the more blood work done, but with another doctor. June 17th, 153.5mIU/mL, another phone call would take place a few hours later. Everything then went back to having some hope. The levels were going up, it will be ok…. RIGHT? Officially at the end of being 6 weeks pregnant, and the blood work was still testing very low as the normal range is 152 – 32,177 mIU/mL. This doctor told me I still had a chance, a rare chance but I would take a small chance than no chance at all. Until she brought up the word ECTOPIC. I needed to go back and get more blood work the following day. This would be the answer.
That night John and I would pray together, asking for all the positive news we could get. Ectopic is rare, there is no way this could happen to me. June 18th, 182.4 mIU/mL, still going up but still showing signs that things might not be able to move forward. We would wait four more days to check. I would then be at the end of my 7th week of being pregnant. June 22nd, 207.2 mIU/mL, confirmed. This pregnancy could not go any further or I would be putting my life at serious risk. The doctor said I would go back in the next few days and take methotrexate to stop the growth of my baby. June 23rd, more blood work must be taken before any drugs would be given. 206.1 mIU/mL Last ultrasound, also confirmed the ectopic as there was no baby in the uterus.
The Moment
My pregnancy just reached 8 weeks, and I was having to say goodbye? Why was this happening to me? A knock on the door followed after the ultra sound. An older nurse came in with two syringes filled with the yellow drug. She came in very sweet knowing I was having to go through something that would change my life. As the nurse emptied one syringe at a time I kept apologizing in my head. This damn drug not only stopped the growth of my baby, but it hurt like hell, gave me loss of some hair, and made me feel like shit weeks after just to remind me of what I lost. Sadly, more blood work had to follow. On July 13th, HCG levels were below 1mIU/mL which meant the fetus had left my body and I was no longer pregnant.
When my aunt passed away, a family member showed me a song – One Moment More by Mindy Smith. There is a verse in the song –It’s just enough to see a shooting star to know you’re never really far. Now every time I see a shooting star I know it’s my baby. How I wish there were many moments we would have had with you. How I wish I just had more moments of the excitement like I had with those two pink lines, the constant feeling of rubbing my belly. How I really wish I just had One More Moment. The ride on this roller coaster I was put one was not fun, and is sadly still going.
Last Words
That one faint line changed my life, little did I know at the time that it would change my life for the worst. If you would like to learn more about ectopic pregnancies, HCG levels, and emotions that may follow a pregnancy loss links are below:
Ectopic Pregnancies: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/ectopic-pregnancy/symptoms-causes/syc-20372088#:~:text=An%20ectopic%20pregnancy%20occurs%20when,is%20called%20a%20tubal%20pregnancy.
HCG Levels: https://www.mountsinai.org/health-library/tests/hcg-blood-test-quantitative
One Moment More: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MO21PDJ8cWA
Emotions: https://ajourneythroughinfertility.com/guilty-as-charged/
