With it being the holiday season there is so much that will run through my mind. The struggle is so real with whether or not I want to go see family during this time. I think of how it will look if I do not show up, what others will think of me for not being active during this time in my life. Truth is my mental health just cannot handle it.
My Last Miscarriage
A month ago I was on the next chapter of growing my family. With a positive pregnancy test I became hopeful and excited. I could not wait to start slowly telling others about my pregnancy. In fact I had already started telling others. But only the ones who have been closely following my journey and keeping in the loop. After talking to John about when to start telling others, Thanksgiving would be the perfect time to tell family.
Monday October 30th we got the news that bloodwork was decreasing quickly and my body was experiencing a miscarriage. After so much joy my world felt as if it was crashing. I truly was only thinking about myself at the time. Then it hit me that we would have to see parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and cousins with their families.
The Decision
After a lot of thought I sat down with John and simply told him how I could not do it. I could not go to a Thanksgiving dinner and act like my life is going so well. Do not get me wrong I do not have a bad life, I have a job I love, I am married to my best friend, I have two great dogs, and I am able to have a house with food on the table. At this time and place however my mental health is suffering.
How lucky am I to have someone in my life that supported my decision that I just wanted to stay at home for the holidays. It is not an easy choice as I am someone who really enjoys time with family, but for some reason my heart just needs the time to heal. How am I suppose to get around family and have them ask me how I am doing? Am I suppose to say good when really I am struggling so much inside?
Truth is I just cannot do it. I can’t tell others I am doing good when I am not. So I canceled. I told family that John and I would be spending the holiday alone.
What can you do?
You maybe wondering, as family what can you do during the holidays. Of course I cannot speak for everyone going through this, but in my case, it’s best to support. Understand that it is not you, we just need time. Time to recover from the past traumatic event and time to ourselves. As someone who has been going through infertility for 3 years now it is hard to see others with their happy families. It is hard to answer the simple question of how I am doing.
The support is all the help we can ask for. So please understand that if we do not want to come over for the holidays it is nothing against you.
