Anniversaries - How to deal with looking back at the difficult moments.

When you think about anniversaries they are usually a positive event. In reality an anniversary is just the date that an event took place. This one however hit differently.

When I got pregnant the shock and disbelief that I was going to be a mom went through my mind quickly. Those two lines changed my life, only I wish it would have changed my life differently. One thing that hits me today hard is that two years ago this body was creating another life, it is also two years ago this body terminated that life.

When the doctor suspected an ectopic pregnancy, I told myself that there was no way that something like that could happen to me. It’s rare to have an ectopic pregnancy, in fact there are only about 200,00 cases in the U.S every year. How could this be true?

Sadly after many blood tests and ultrasounds, the nightmare was true. Many things went through my mind, and depression kicked in quickly. Every now and again the depression will rise again, but around the anniversary it gets worse.

How Anniversary’s can Actually Hurt

Throughout the year my pregnancy will pop-up in my head, especially when I see a pregnancy announcement. Nothing compares to the anniversary of both seeing your positive pregnancy test as well as the day you lost your pregnancy.

June 2nd I woke up prepared to have a normal day. Then the memories kicked in and pictures of the first pregnancy test showed up. Instant feeling of sadness filled my mind. How can I enjoy my days seeing pictures that reminded me of the joy I once enjoyed?

The day that I had to terminate the pregnancy was another anniversary that made my heart hurt. Knowing that day I had to say goodbye to what I wanted my whole life and being a mom. Hard days like this will always come, just know it is okay to not be okay. These days are tough.

How This Brings Mixed Feelings

Remembering the joy that this test brought brings up many feelings. The first feeling I got when this photo came up was hurt. This test was so real, I was really pregnant. The hurt comes from the fact there is no child to prove that this test was real.

Another feeling that gets brought up with this is anger. Anger because why the f*** did I have to endure such pain in losing a child? What did I do to deserve this? Was this punishment for something I did in the past? There had to be a reason for this right? It did not make sense, in fact I wanted it to all be a nightmare.

The last feeling that this picture brought was hope. Hope that my body will be able to get pregnant again. That this body of mine was able to get pregnant once, it should be able to get pregnant again. The hope that next time there are two pink lines that there would be a positive outcome and a baby.

How to Deal with the Pain

Before going through infertility and baby loss, I never really heard of others going through it. It wasn’t until I started being more vocal about the pain this has caused me. The biggest advice when going through infertility, miscarriages, ectopic, or other pregnancy failures is to find a support group.

When this was new to me, I had nowhere to go, no one to talk to, and no one who understood me. I came across an app that would soon prove to me relief and comfort through other women. The app is called Peanut and luckily there were other women to talk to and help bring me to the realization that pregnancy complications were not rare at all.

Pretty soon after downloading this app, I talked to a few women that really helped me through the loss of my child and the pain that it brought to me. I have been lucky enough to chat with a few people that have become friends in this journey of mine. Some live out of state even, but knowing that others are praying for you all over gives some sort of peace of mind.

Another thing to really do when an anniversary like this comes, is to focus on your self care. Know that it is completely okay to cry, get mad, and be angry. One of my favorite things to do is to take a long bath, have a candle going, throw in some Dr. Teal’s Epsom Salt, turn off the lights and connect with my breath. This is something that brings relaxation to me.

Know Your Self Worth

It is totally okay to feel the way you feel when going through something as painful as infertility and the loss of a child. As they say women going through infertility have the same amount of anxiety and depression as those going through cancer. Anniversaries can be hard and it is okay to feel however you need to feel.