Guilty as Charged

Guilt is defined as a feeling of worry that you have done something wrong. Guilt has come in all different types with infertility. 

Past guilt:  

I always wanted to do life correctly, I wanted to get married then have children. I got together with my husband in 2016. Fast forward to 2020, we were getting married in October so I figured I would get off birth control to get my body regulated on its own. From the start everything went normal until May. The first missed period. I took a blue dye pregnancy test….. POSITIVE. I was freaking out. I’d be six months pregnant at the wedding. How would the dress fit? What would people think? Would I be able to get married in the Catholic Church? Calling my mom shortly after in disbelief. Immediately crying I told her “mom I took a test and it was positive”. At first she thought COVID, but luckily she stayed calm as always, and told me we would figure it out.

John came home later that day with the First Response pink dye pregnancy test…. NEGATIVE. At the time I was relieved, thanking God. The next step was to go to the doctor. They suspected PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome – a problem with hormones, this also contains cysts with immature eggs), but all blood work came back normal. So you might be wondering, where does guilt come into this? After I lost my baby at 8 weeks due to an ectopic pregnancy, I started asking why. I then went back to this day. The day I thanked God for NOT being pregnant. I wonder if I would have been grateful that maybe by now I’d have at least 1 child and maybe another on the way. I worry this might be a punishment.

Post loss guilt: 

After finding out I was having an ectopic pregnancy, I had two choices at 8 weeks along. I could have a D&C- a procedure that would go in and find the fetus, or take Methotrexate- a drug to stop the cell growth and eventually having your body flush the embryo/fetus out. After talking with John we decided on Methotrexate as it would be an easier way for us to manage. We talked about if I continued with the pregnancy my fallopian tube could burst and I could bleed out. After deciding this there was a bit of a disagreement with some people. I was told terrible things that still hurt me today. Another reason why I have constant guilt.

The horrible voices in my head try to tell me I should have pushed through that maybe things would have been ok. Even though I know this was the right choice for me, I still feel guilt. I probably always will. If you’re reading this part and have the same guilt feeling, know this is normal. Ectopic pregnancy is dangerous and may result in death. So even if you’ve been told it’s an abortion, know your life is just as important. 

The worst guilt:

The worst type of guilt is seeing pregnancy announcements and it hurts, but shouldn’t you be excited? Seeing friends with babies, feeling jealous when you should be over the moon. This is the guilt that hurts the most. Two months after I had lost my hope and dreams, my best friend told me she had a positive pregnancy test. Instant feelings of envy ran through my veins. I felt numb and confused. Why can’t I have my baby? What did I do wrong? Later more guilt filled my mind. Why wasn’t I there more for my friend and her pregnancy.

Two months later another good friend told me she was pregnant. She was excited because she was finally having a girl. Instead of jumping up and down and becoming excited for her, I shut down. I began to cry. Why is this happening again, those around me are having my dream. WHEN WOULD IT BE MY TURN? I told her I was happy but I knew I wasn’t giving her the excitement I should have. Later I apologized, I hated that I was acting this way, but I couldn’t help it.  Now that both have had their babies more guilt hits me. I feel guilty I let my emotions get in the way of being there for them through some of the greatest moments of their lives. I Wish I would have been a better friend to them. But I let my emotions get in the way.

With this in mind:

Guilt comes in so many forms and it’s completely normal for anyone going through infertility. I’m not sure how to stop the guilt feeling. This is just one dreadful feeling that comes along with infertility. We are not guilty as charged for feeling guilty, infertility is. If you want more information about guilt I really enjoyed listening to Your Fertility Hut podcast. You can find it here https://yourfertilityhub.com/podcast-39-guilt-during-infertility/