It’s Me Again
I have gone MIA for awhile. Really just to allow myself to feel all the feels. To be with those in which I love. After my first failed IUI I honestly appreciated all the support out there. Those telling me I was in their thoughts and prayers, that I was being thought of. But after that only a few of those continued to reach out. That’s when I decided that I was going to keep the next part of the journey quiet. Unless you personally reached out I didn’t feel the need to share this journey until I was ready.
IUI #2
So I left off with a first failed IUI, Intrauterine insemination. I was not okay at this point but knew I would continue on to round two. After receiving my baseline appointment I knew that this was another chance that I was given. Time to ride again. Baseline appointments are simple as they don’t check for much. They tell whether or not my body would be okay to take the Letrozole, trigger follicle growth, again. Later that day I got the go ahead to take Letrozole and continue the IUI. About 12 days later I would go in for for mid-cycle.
At the mid-cycle appointment everything was looking great. I was able to take the Trigger Shot, triggers ovulation, the following day and set up my IUI appointment 36 hours after. The appointment went great. Everything was done the way it was suppose to. We would have to wait 15 days now.
Day 15 testing day. The anticipation was rumbling….. Wait 5 minutes….. a big negative. This time was a little harder than the first round. Chin up, deep breaths, move forward right?
IUI #3
As I said, a lot has happened since my last post. The privacy was needed though. Everything went the same way. baseline appointment, take Letrozole, mid-cycle. It always feels like Deja Vu. This appointment felt different though. We got the news that we had not one, but two follicles measuring at 20mm. This was the best yet. We actually had to sign a consent form that there was a high risk for multiples. I was Over joyed and ready.
The next day we took the trigger shot again and 36 hours later we would go to the appointment for the last IUI, before having to change something. This has to work right. October 2nd would be the day I finally conceived and everything would be alright… Right? Just like the last couple times we would wait 15 days to test. That means we would be testing on our Anniversary. Man did this feel like everything would be okay. Everything was going to work out.
October 17th…. Time to test. I was having intense dreams inside dreams, but finally got up. Took the test, waiting 5 minutes, heart rate was up to 122 with nerves running through my body… Positive. I had a positive test. This was unreal. I could not believe this, it was time.
Next Steps
I went in to get bloodwork. It was true my HCG levels would prove that I was pregnant. I went in 2 days later to check to make sure that the numbers were doubling. The 19th would prove that my numbers doubled, but barley. They asked that I came back in after the weekend to make sure this was going in the right direction. In fact, when I went in for the 3rd time, they were above what we wanted. Joy filled my body. Tears rolled down my face. It was finally time.
Not Again
October 20th, there was slight spotting. Very little, nothing to be concerned about. I was doing everything I was suppose to. I was praying harder than I have prayed before. Luckily it did stop and my labs on the 23rd proved that everything was okay. October 24th, more spotting. In fact it was more bleeding than spotting at this point. Still nothing my doctor told me to be concerned about as I was not bleeding enough to be concerned. I was having pregnancy symptoms such as nauseas, sore breasts, and fatigue. Everything was going to be okay. The bleeding got slightly worse so I ended up taking off work on the 27th to rest my body. Teaching is stressful I needed the time.
Things were not getting any better, Saturday the 28th I ended up going to Urgent Care for a peace of mind and make sure this was not an ectopic like last time. Bloodwork would be taken. It was higher but not at all where it needed to be. I would then be on watch. The ultrasound confirmed that this in fact was not an ectopic. So I will continue to hold onto hope.
What is Happening?
Monday October 30th I would get more bloodwork to figure out what would be happening to my body. My HCG had dropped to below my numbers when I was 4 weeks. I would be 6 weeks today. October 31st my fertility clicic would confirm. The pregnancy did not make it. A miscarriage is what is likely to be happening at the moment. I don’t understand. Why does this happen to those who try so hard? My clinic will have me go in to make sure my body is flushing out everything that needs to be, then we will wait. Bloodwork until my hormones are below 5. This is such a flash back of my pregnancy two years ago. The pain this causes is so hard. My body feels numb, my head can’t think. I am lucky enough my fertility clinic is supportive and there for me.
I am not sure what next steps for this fertility journey will take, I am anxious to talk with my doctor about my next steps. My guess is we will talk about IVF. One thing I know and always been told in life if not to quit. I know that I am meant to be a mom. In fact I know I already am one to two angel babies that were taken too soon. That I never got to hold. But I know that they never felt hurt. They only knew love. One day I will have an earth baby. I will not give up even on the most painful days.
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