Chapter 29: The Journey to the Infertility Specialist

Where things were

Many things have happened since the last post in this blog. So much that writing a blog felt like a chore. I figured it would be better to wait and post something meaningful rather than something that didn’t come from the heart. There have been so many mixed emotions going on with this part of my journey. As I have hit my last year in my 20’s, the biological clock continues to count down.

Back in February, the OB I was seeing finally referred me to a specialist after patiently waiting to continue on to the next step. Little did I know that it would take a few months to even get into seeing this new doctor. March and April came and went, there were many pregnancy announcements and others starting to have their babies. That’s where the comparison kicked in; again, starting to feel behind. Not because I want to, but because my body does not want to do what it was made to do.

The Day

May 3, 2023 the next step and first rising action in this next chapter of life. Having a supportive team and admin at my job has been a blessing. The medical office that I chose closes early, so there was no way for me to start this chapter without leaving early from work. As I left work so many things went on through my head. Being told the past few years the same things over and over got old. To be honest it is scary going to another place, especially when they are specialized in this area, because they may continue to say the same things. Once John and I got there the feeling died a little.

At the Specialist

John and I got to CRA for the first consultation with my new doctor. Being greeted by two kind ladies in the main waiting area. Once vitals were taken we went to the room In the back that looked just like they do in movies. I kept looking at all the awards the doctor had on her wall. Somehow this made me feel comfortable. After talking about family history for a little while, the question I had been waiting for popped up. “Can you tell me about your weight?” This always made me conscious of my weight and also having a bad body image on myself. Seriously take me back to high school when I wasn’t close to what I am today.

Knowing the best thing to do is to be honest with the doctor, I told her how in high school I was very athletic and my family doctor continued to tell me I was overweight. This is what started to put the bad image into my mind. I would never be good enough for doctors. This is what has ruined my mind. She then went on to say I should talk with her dietitian to get another opinion. I accepted. Who knows, maybe a dietitian that works with women going through infertility might benefit me as well. Then came the ultrasound followed by a lot of blood work. Results can take a couple weeks to get, so until then there is a waiting game. The waiting game that I have been going through for so long.

Where to go from here

Emotions are the hardest part about infertility and they continue to change from minute to minute. Those who have been through this know. Everyone that I have told tells me how exciting it is to be able to continue this journey of mine. To be honest it is also very scary, there is still the unknown for so much. The unknown of the extensive blood work results, unknown of what could happen next, but the scariest is the what if’s. I am finding that the what if’s are the hardest parts lately. What if all these treatments I go through do not work, what if I end up losing another child, and what if I do all this and continue to end up childless.

There is also the emotion of hopefulness and excitement. After almost two years after my ectopic pregnancy I am finally able to move forward. I am being given the chance to try for something I have wanted my entire life. For now it is listening to what the doctors have to say and trying to stay positive.

This is the start to the next chapter, the next set of emotions I have never dealt with before.